Scary Ghost Elevator Prank

Enjoy Your Tip

Rob Reid: The $8 billion iPod

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=GZadCj8O1-0

Two Blondes

Mermaid on the Beach

A guy was walking on the beach when he notices another guy tanning on the beach. The guy had a strong build and a great body. But he had a very small head. So the guy goes up to him and says excuse but I noticed you on the beach and I must say that you have a great body but why is your head so small?

The man replies well one day I was walking on this very same beach and I caught a Mermaid sun-bathing on those rocks out there. And if you catch a mermaid out of the water you get three wishes. So she asked me what I would like and I said that I was never a really good-looking guy so I wished for a good body.

And that's how I got my body.

Then I told her that I always wanted to live by the beach so I wished for this house right hear on the beach. And there's my house.

Then I told her that it has been a long time since I have been with a women so I asked her if she would sleep with me.

She said if I could I would but as you see that from the waist down I'm all fin and that there was no way so could give me any pleasure.  Then I said that's OK, how about a little head.

Why men shouldn't write advice columns

WHY ONLY INDIANS ARE REBORN ...

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don' t believe this .. Hold on.' This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone and IIT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla, Jalebi, Idli, Paan shops,  which I had to stop..I am requesting you OH LORD PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".


So this is the story why Indians are the only ones who are re-born!!!

That's How the Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
 
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

---

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

---

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap’.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

---

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

---

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

---

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

---

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

---

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

Never ask a British Squaddie to translate

POSITIVELY PRICELESS!!

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture! 

 Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
 So, how do a group of Syrian protesters create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To The British"(etc) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. 

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was an ex-2nd  Para sergeant! Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS! 

                        

Bus Fare to anti British protest Rally: 7.55 

Paint and Canvas for protest signs: 38.75 

Asking an ex-Falklands  veteran of 2nd  Para  to translate your anti-British signs from Arabic:-
PRICELESS

This picture is not doctored

Husband of the Year

Suggestive and Creative Sexy Ads

A Blonde's Diary

Blonde's Diary On A Cruise

DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

  DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
 DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. 
Twice.

I Can't See My Self on Google Earth!!!###***%%

My First Time Ever

At first I was like, but then I was like (Mao Edition)

Twelve Italian Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight
row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie,
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate
with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the priests until she got
to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest
in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the
bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring.

Need a Divorce Lawyer

Financial Planning ... Keep it to your Self

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

VERY IMPORTANT FACT from your Financial Advisor!!